My ex-girlfriend asked me why I don’t hang out with her new boyfriend.

I don’t have an answer. Well that’s a lie because I already know the answer … I’m still in love with her.

I can’t sit here and be all cool with their relationship when in fact I want nothing more than to be in the same position that he is in right now. It’s true that you never want something until it’s gone.

I had everything that he had once but me and she never could make it work. I gave it my all but lots of things got in the way: My friends, Her family … me.

So I gave her the freedom that she wanted and let her go before she had a chance to cheat on me as she did so many guys before.

Now she wants me to be by her side and celebrate all of the good things that happen between them. She tells me all the time that he’s so cool with our friendship that he wants us to come together for picnics and barbecues together.

I don’t want to do that.

I don’t want to sit there and look that man in his face while perpetrating a lie.

The truth is that while they have been making a life for themselves … she has been slept with me on several occasions. Now I don’t know if its because she asks me for money and feels obligated to “thank” me for being with her in that way or the fact that he’s not equipped in various ways to satisfy her (as she tells it), but the fact of the matter is that it has happened.

We are friends but … we are special friends. Try as I might to figure things out it always comes out the same.

So I have to maintain the fact that we are friends for the most part and because of that friendship I have to give myself to her in various ways.

When she has asked me to help her with the problems in their relationships … I’ve done that. When she has asked for money whenever she needed a bill paid … I’ve done that. I’ve done that with no questions asked because I love her that much.

Maybe that’s part of the problem, because for the most part it makes me look like I’m the lesser man of the two. According to some reports, I’m not ready to do the friendly thing because I’m suffering from “hateration” because they are so happy and I’m not.

He might be right about that … maybe I don’t want to be in the middle of the love fest while the two of them love each other with the same power that the two of us use to love each other.
I mean he’s not the man I would have pictured her settling down with. I always feel that the woman that leaves me should leave me for a step up rather than a step down. He’s a 34 year old man who is cheating on his wife (a wife that gave him 6 children).

Now they are together in a brand new 3 bedroom house while I’m sitting in a one bedroom apartment by myself.

She says she loves him and I should be happy because she’s happy.

Of course if they loved each other that much … why would she be taking money from me? Why would she be trying to fuck me on the side?

I don’t know about anyone else but I know two things about myself. I’m not a good liar and for the most part, I kill myself with guilt. Someway, somehow I would give myself up and the truth would come out.

I’m still in love with her. Or so I think. I mean if I really loved her … wouldn’t I have told her that fact when I told her we should move out. Would I have not fought to keep the house together after we lived together for 3 months.

No, I gave up because we were having problems and I knew it would mean that one of us would cheat on the other. It was meant to happen.

Meanwhile, I’ve been playing the “good friend” because that is what I am supposed to do.

I helped them move in together. I helped them with their relationship … I should get kudos for that. Now they want me to sit there and watch them “coo” with each other and I’m supposed to act like she wasn’t over my house last night screwing me for the exchange for cash.

I don’t do secrets well because I feel guilty.

Now I got to make a decision that will affect me for sometime. Either don’t hang out with her because it bothers her new man or hang out with them and have my heart tore out over and over again.

Perhaps he is a better man than me because he wouldn’t put up with this crap. He would force her to make a decision.

She’s happy … and she’s should be happier without me because for all the torture that I put upon myself this shouldn’t be something that I should do.

I think I’m still in love with her … but I don’t know if that is true. On one hand I feel slighted and hurt and the other hand I feel relieved that she’s some else’s problem and not mine.

One of the many quandaries in my life. I’m not sure if I’m going to ever figure that one out.