I hate her.

I hate her so much that I have to ask myself why.

Could it be because of the fact that she is so happy? Could it be because of the fact that her dreams have come true? Could it be because of the fact that she has moved on with her life?

I pondered many of those questions but I truly know the answer on why I hate her.

I’m upset because I don’t want to hold on to a woman who is clearly getting on her own life.

She is the person I am truly angry with. And because of that....

My Anger slowly becomes Ire....

That Ire becomes Wrath....

Furthermore the Wrath is turned to Passion....

Intense Passion is continually transformed to Emotion....

That Emotion is fueled by Desire....

And Desire for all intensive purposes is Love.

No matter how much I try to deny it, my anger towards my ex-girl is based in love.

I’m still in love with her.

I know that is a stretch but I still get that feeling every time she calls or every time I see her I feel my skin jump in that erotic anticipation that happened so many times before.

She would ask me to do a favor for her and I would nearly leap at the chance to please her and make her happy. She gives me that smile and tells me over and over again that she can’t live without me as a friend in her life.

Then I get angry.

She never sees it but I literally seethe undercover as she goes back to her picture perfect life with the boyfriend who is supposed to give her the world. I’m not supposed to save her but I always want to.

I rush to pick up the pieces whenever he screws up. Many times she has shed tears when he hasn’t come home when he has supposed to or able to help her pay the rent. And like the Calvary I always come to her rescue.

Because I’m still in love with her.

Which makes things difficult because with everything that I do for her I feel like a complete fool. I feel more and more angry because I help her become a better girlfriend for a man who I feel is so beneath me.

Last year we were living with each other and trying to plan for a future together but now in the span of six months she went from “you’re the only man for me” to “I met my soul mate and he’s not you.”

How is it that I’m still suffering with this pain in my heart yet she is acting like WE never happened? Did she not feel the same thing when we parted, did she not believe that the decision to breakup with a mutual one because we wanted to remain friends rather than enemies.

I know that this sounds as if I’m just hanging on to something that is long dead. However I always have hope … hope that says that I’m going to make it through this and move on but don’t want to be the person that leaves her behind.

So, I’m working on this to get rid of this feeling. They are moving in with each other by the end of the week and she still says, “I don’t want to lose you as a friend because I can’t make it through this relationship without you.”

It makes my heart melt when she tells me that. I’ve erased her number from every device I have available but I can’t move myself away from her as a whole. I’m too weak to leave her behind but too strong not to stay.

I know this will pass. It had with Tammy, Kim and Tasha. I’m just too impatient to see the end of this road because as always the road traveled is filled with obstacles I no longer want to deal with.

I hate her … I hate her so much that I scare myself.

I love her … I love her so much that I scare myself.

“It’s going to get better,” I tell myself. And frankly by saying that over and over again is the only way I can get those thoughts out of my head. They have to get out of my head because if I keep this up … she wins.